Dancin’: It’s On

Dancin’: It’s On. (Rifftrax, color, 2015, but it really feels like the 90s to me) I’m already 31mins into this. A dumb blond girl goes to Panama City Florida (I’ve been there for Spring Break!) to stay at her rich weird dad’s dance hotel where she wants to date a lame dancing dishwasher though her dad wants her to date a lame dancing bellboy. The riff has been funny so far, but what a piece of garbage movie!  I hate this movie.  It’s fucking stupid and I want to punch everyone involved in it.  The main blond girl sounds like she’s just reading her script out loud for the first time. And the Danny in this movie makes the Danny from Girl In Lover’s Lane seem like a genius (though still not as smart as Big Stupid from same movie). This plot has been done a million times. Big dance contest coming up, but the idiot couple we’re supposed to care about is teamed with other partners trying to keep them apart! Oh no, what will happen!? Maybe a mass shooting at the dance party where they all die? That could happen in Florida. Easily. And it would be justified. I’m 39mins in, pretty much the halfway point.  This fucking doorman… Captain. He’s the almost asexual non-threatening black character in a predominantly white movie, who seems to exist only to help out one or more of the white characters in a way that is above and beyond what is ordinary. These type characters always seem strangely willing to give and gather information to help. Anyway, this guy Captain the doorman, is one of these stock characters. Bad movies are frequently original and unique. This is neither.  Although, there is an honest to god mime in this. I don’t think it will ever be explained, but he pops up now and then. I’d definitely shoot him first. But I’d shoot everyone. Jesus, the girl just said “well maybe winning is not the most important thing”.  This is Sesame Street level writing. This movie is vapid. Now the two dance partners—not the blonde and the dishwasher, but the two they’re each paired up with now—are meeting. If you thought the main two people were bland and boring, holy crap, check these two out! This movie gets more and more cliched and idiotic as it goes. They’ve gotten the old embittered-over-the-death-of-his-son-in-a-helicopter-crash retired choreographer to teach them new dance steps or some nonsense. It’s a movie where I keep stopping to ask myself, is this movie really as bad as it seems? How did they even manage something so terrible? I bet Panama City tourist board or some such paid for a lot of this movie. This movie hurts. Oh god I hate this movie. This is a funny riff though. It’s finally the big stupid dance contest. It’s horrible. Please let it end, make it stop. Ok,  it stopped. How can I not give it top tier? It’s Top Tier. But only once. Some Rifftrax or Mst3k you can return to often. Some are really funny, like this one, but no way would I sit through it again. Top Tier, single serving.